Out of the Shadows and into Full View ... and An Addendum

Tomorrow, in the geographical area of the state where i live and work, is known as the Louisiana's Bible Belt, Central Louisiana will Celebrate Gay Pride tomorrow.... Openly... and with Pride, Honesty, and knowing Who We Are.   What makes this special in the Lil City by the Red,  is that we have many Religious Sects State Offices here. Here are a few below:

 UPC State Office, Episcopal Church Diocese of Western Louisiana, the Catholic Diocese of Alexandria (which encompasses 8 parishes), United Church of Christ State Office, the Louisiana Southern Baptist State Office, and a couple more..

This year's Pride speaks Volumes in the fact of Acceptance in a Very Rural Area... Rapides Parish alone is 1362 square miles in area, with a population of 131613 by the census of 2010.  We are Rural.... and we live in a very rural, conservative part of the the state, the Eight Parishes that make up this area is supported by farming, timber production, and government mainly.

Five years ago, the non profit that oversees Ryan White Funding here in central Louisiana began a Cenla Pride Festival.  ... its been fairly sane, no real commotion for the Right Wingers, etc... The non profit organization is known as CLASS, which stands for Central Louisiana Aids Support Services. The Pride Celebration  element was a condition for funding in one of their grants and this funding has continued to this date.

All of the non profit organizations in the State of La, that manage Ryan White funding, use to have Aids in their organizational title..... All have changed except the organization here in the Lil City by the Red.  .... I would hope they do soon, because they have expanded their services far and wide and do a fair job of delivering other services, education, testing, youth support, transgender support etc.

I applaud their work completely,  for the first three years, I was a sponsor donating money to help support their initial start up.  The organization is now off and running and by the mail out to everyone this year.....

 Cenla Pride will truly come out of the Shadows.... and into Full View

See the below mail out:

Addendum

Several Older Members of the Gay Community are taken back by the in "Your Face" advertisement and how it is centered around the Drag Queens.  To place all in perspective, the Lil City by the Red does not have any Gay Bars in operation anymore.  When I first arrived here in 1991 we had five, now we have None.... the last one closed about three years ago, after a spotty opening, the one before that closed six years ago....

There is talk going around about how centered and there is No Celebration on Survival and also the remembrance of those who have passed away...

After these comments that were delivered to me this afternoon.... I welcome all comments on this matter.

Actually, I now have mixed thoughts and emotions...

Memorial Day ....

Today.. ... I did text  TW-IV .... told him that I was proud of his service to the Marine Corp.... he served in Iraq......

My Daddy  and Momma before served in WWII, he was a SeaBee in the South Pacific and she was in the Women Air Corp.  I have her photographs from that time and one or two of Daddy on the Fiji Islands.

Then we have those ancestors that fought in the War Between the States, War of 1812, and the Revolutionary War.... 

I never served..... had a draft card, but was never called up.... Some say it was a blessing...

I'll leave that to ponder, Since this weekend is full of pondering.... for me.

I did that a short ride to just get out of the house and see what the River was.. it was still falling slightly.... down a few feet but still rolling on....

Oh, by the way.. I saw a medical helicopter land on the hospital heli pad near the levee while I was out riding

The Trip

But (and there is always a but)...........................................................

Yesterday, as in normal routine at the office, lawyers love, cherish to hold informal meetings the day before a holiday.... especially on a Friday before a holiday on Monday.... its their nature... some instilled in them in that Great Effort toward Jurist Doctorate.... maybe Prudence too....

So, most of the Courthouse Crowd had left by 3pm, office closed, Sheriff Office, Assessor's Office and so on.....  The few who hadn't taken time off in our office were the lawyers and a few staff, including myself.....

Hey Chief, a yell from down the hall came, can you go knock on the door and see what "they" the gathered 1st ADA and DA and their minions are doing, can we go home early Chief, ...

I knocked, got pulled into this conversation, however, after 20 minutes...I was given the word, "let them go". Rush to the door for all except the locked door room and me...

I had initially had plans to leave at 3pm yesterday that would put me down, back to the place where I was born around 5pm, enough times to see my relatives and sister... I had planned to cook for them, spend a quiet evening listening to the water of the Creek, watching the game come out to feed a dusk.... and enjoying a couple of good bottles of wine and cigar with my sister, relatives etc...

Not Happening.... No Sir....

I don't cherish going back down there, its a drive of 133 miles on two lane roads, at 55 mph, and in a half dozen small towns you pass through it slows to 35 mph and there is a blue unit around every corner and hidden in the bushes....  That's how Louisiana small towns make revenue these days.. lurking on the unsuspected driver who is just passing thru the small town of 700....

My memories of my time roughly from birth till I was around 32 or so, had a lot of ups and downs, just bad memories of growing up rural, in a society that told you "you have to be a man now, since your daddy is dead".... my Father died when I was 8 years old, my Momma never remarried...

Any way ... let me not digress here .. The Trip.... I don't really like to leave the Lil City by the Red... I have my Saturday routine, I am Safe Here, I do travel when it is necessary, but I have some type of phobia to leaving my Lil secure village... it wasn't that a long time ago, but as the years have passed, I have become more set in my ways.... I don't relish any travel, I do travel to San Antonio to go to the Doctor, I do go out in the country ever so often to Lisa's home on the hill, but that is still in Rapides Parish.... and I crossed The Red last week to go eat at a cafe with the girls....

So, I was late getting away from the Lil City by the Red, left around 415, diarrhea was a lil bit on my mind, due to the lil pink pill, that's one of the side effect... my plan was to go to the Family Place, (everyone lives there, all four families, including my sister, on 500+ acres in lil compounds.. and and Relax, commune with nature, check on the graveyard, have a few drinks, cook supper, kiss babies....

But oh no..... my sister changed all that..... ..once a LT Colonel always a Lt Colonel.. they all must be pissed if they didn't make it to the One Star...  She is a retired Lt Colonel...Air Force..

She called, wanted me to divert my plans cause she had been cutting grass all day and working with her maid in the yard.... She wanted to go to a small town about 23 miles from her and a short divert drive like 5 miles off my route... she would meet me for supper... as a Gentleman I consented, really not wanting this... I had at that time stuff toilet paper in my ass to plug the leaking, but Southern Manners say, if u ain't showing any spots, try to accommodate ...

So I sat in this cafe in New Roads, watching the sun set on the western horizon, with the... Dear Sister, by the time I made it the the Land of my Youth, it was 820pm, I was pissed, my plans had been upstaged... my phobia of travel was kicking in., .....and I had missed any playing time with my GKids..but(and there is always a but) I did see the TW IV and his lovely wife... but I didnt get to see my Gkids in a natural setting, in their on setting where they can be comfortable ... and there is the Rest of the story....

Upstaged once again, Salute to Memorial Day and the Control of Retired Military... Command Presence Never seems to Go Away.......

I politely declined the invitation to stay, then  left  the .. Dear Sister in tears... she should cry a bucket... and I drove back the the Lil City by the Red .... arrived here at 1115pm.....

It took me 3 days to prepare for the trip, There has been times where I refused to go to a family funeral down there, its NOT a Pleasant Place for me to Go... My mental health is clearly affected....

Now I shall ponder over and over this matter.... but I am back, in my secure setting, among my support team of close friends, and the ones who care for me and love me here also.

Not So Serious

So, since I have been serious lately on my issues, subjects, and so on.......

I thought I would do a Wednesday Shoe Photo....

Just Because.....

Martin Dingman Shoes were sold in the Lil City by the Red... then they disappeared from the local men's shops...

Now they are back....

Here is the Martin Dingman Cap Toe...

Solitude of Being Well Behaved

Today, I received a text from an old friend, Natalie, she use to be one of my neighbors.  Her and her husband are on a tour of California and where in Napa Valley.....

I don't often chat with N, but when I do, its always has a serious tone to the conversation.

Today, as I was chatting with her, I told her that I was enjoying the "Solitude of Being Well Behaved"
That I continue to see a therapist and take a mental health med to improve my serotonin levels, I'm on the lowest dose possible 10mg.

When I said the "Solitude of Being Well Behaved" triggered some thoughts.... That I am approaching a point that I can tell I have taken my self to another level of thought,..... that I WAS truly in the depths of a situational depression,..... that I HAD allowed my self to tumble there, .....That I TOOK the Steps to climb out and reach out for Help...

The progress in the last 23 days has been actually remarkable... I am Comfortable with.........

the Solitude of Being Well Behaved ...........!!!

Tis Sunday..... and I should be down the street.... but I am not

Tis Sunday.... good ole Sunday here in the Garden District in the Lil City by the Red.....

St. James tolled its bells this morning.... but I didn't hearken to step down... the new Priest is here... Good Father Tim......

Last night I had my friends B/J and J down for a lil celebration   J1 on Friday became a bona fide United States Citizen.... He has lived here in the States most of his adult life...  B and J1 have been together for about 33 years... they are married... now J1 is a Citizen of the United States of America...

B/J1 had J2 up from Baton Rouge... so I cooked and entertained them for a Saturday evening supper...

As with all Suppers at The Camp .... it was a great time being had by all......


Here is a photo of the table prior to our sitting ...... J1's American Flag that he was given by the head of Immigration in New Orleans is in the background.......right before he took the Oath

The Red is Up

The Red River that flows right by the Lil City is up and flowing towards the Big Muddy... and doing  its best to raise up to flood stage down river.  .... I was out riding my bike and took this photo.... took out one of my old cameras always with me..  see if u can spot to two smudges on the lens... lol.. but it does capture the moment even with the smudges....  

Day 7

Today is Day 7......

The serotonin level in my brain was at a very low level says the good doctor.....

That's why I have responded well to the lil pink pill.....

We are going to keep it at 10mg....   .. I have read about some of the side effects of withdrawal from the lil pink pill... its not nice... however, those folks were on the 40mg... so  I hope to stay on the 10mg... since I believe it is working for me.... the good doctor says so also....

I have learned to take in a good breakfast tho.... no skimpy just juice and a half a bagel... eat the whole bagel with jelly..... and drink good coffee... and water.....

Have to Say......

Well, I made it to Sunday early evening.... I am settling in for the evening and All is Well

Last night I ventured out to the local Bistro....

Tonight I dialed into Waiter...

Since I am not on social media... which is a good thing... for sure . at the Cajuns say...

Certainly there was some craving .... but reality is the best source for that.. all I had to do was think for a split moment...

Its been two weeks now since the new cell number... and the Gay Leeches have faded away... they seem to do that rather fastly when their source dries up....

No Contact ... No Cell Number ... as predicted... hopefully in a month or so.. they all will have forgotten old Tom.... ..

Time will tell.... but (and there is always a but) ...  Time seems to do wonders in the cyber world..

Its fast... and once you remove yourself... its almost like you have vanished... almost.  The meds help a lot too!!!

Its Saturday Afternoon...... !!....... It will be OK.... I can tell.... !!

So, here I sit.... Saturday Afternoon almost the stroke of Five in the beginning of the late afternoon....

Test Time.. Folks...

Saturday late afternoon and on into the evening till about 10 or 11 pm has been crucial for me...

Its raining also, which makes the memories of those long lost days bittersweet...

However, the Viibryd is doing its job.... ... I'm on here typing away... passing the time... making my history.... the Sonos is on.... the house is moving to a gentle spirit..... its Quiet...

I ordered out tonight..... no cookin'..... no guests... ... Just Me.... the Sonos.... Spotify....  playing BoHo on Spotify.......

Yep I ordered out.... to Bellino's ... spoke to Jake the bartender.... his Grandfather cooks in the kitchen.... his Daddy manages the front end.... and Jake bartends........

Roast Beef Poboy.... Jake says Mr. Tommy,,,, don't come in till 6pm... the bread is still in the oven....

I ordered garlic french fries with a full dressed beef po boy... special for a Saturday night... this is a very Italian Bistro.... but on Saturday nights they have a special limited to 30 orders...

I got the first one... .....

So, Roku, No Guests ... a nice 15 year old Scotch.... and Bellino's Roast Beef PoBoy.... ..

So... I have the night planned... and the Viibryd is kicking...... .......

I'll let you know how the First Test Night  went....

Doctor's Visit

Well if you are going to humble yourself, self confess, and embark on a Road to Good....

You need talk to the Good Doctor....

So, yesterday, I took a big, deep,  Breath, saw the Good Doctor.. (she was whom confirmed my HIV status).

The Good Doctor is also an addictionologist and has various degrees in the mental health arena.

Also, she is a dear personal friend who has traveled some of the same roads I have.

So, after completely confessing and receiving the absolution,  that I required for my Big Stumble Fumble....

The Good Doctor said this:

I have been diagnosed with situational depression, which is not uncommon for gay men living with HIV.

My acting out, is typical according to the Good Doctor, who by the way is delivering a talk on the subject at a LGBT seminar for health professionals later in June, concerning  gay men like myself.

Humbled, Confessed, I am now being administered to  by a Lil Pink Pill  each morning... ViiBryd .. 10 mg...

Trying to find the Road.... It ain't yellow bricks to the House tho

I have fumbled..... miserably..... I admit .....

I changed my cell phone, pulled back into a safe mode of operation....

When from 851 contacts to 193 family, friends, and business related folks.

That's all I can say..... at the moment.... but I am alive..... and my dr appt my viral load was under 30.. so I am non detectable... and clear of any stds.

I took my self off All gay web sites, all social media....and I hope the World calms down ...

Lets see.. i am on a road to Better.... I hope I don't fall into a ditch